Regret
by snchills
Summary: What if Dean never came and got Sam that night? What if Sam never had any contact at all with his father and brother the whole time he was at Stanford? What if it was too late to mend fences?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Bad News

Author's notes: This is a very AU story. What if Dean never came and got Sam that night? What if Sam never spoke to this father or brother the whole time he was at Stanford? It's eight years after he left home and Sam gets a phone call that will change his life. No it is not a death fic but it does involve character death after the fact. For you Sammy girls who love angst this one's for you. For you Dean girls, I'll apologize ahead of time, you'll understand soon enough.

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It was just before 6:00 am California time when the house phone rang. Getting up early was nothing new to Sam; he'd been doing it for years now. Some how he always ended up with classes that started at god o'fuck o'clock in the morning. These days the baby woke him up more than anything else. Having already checked on him, he started reading one of the numerous law books that always seemed to be every where in the dining room.

Always when the phone rang, for a just a second he wished it was his brother, but Sam knew in his heart though that those calls had stopped years ago. Never answered, never returned. Sam figured Dean probably just got tired of not getting a response so he just quit trying. Hearing the phone ring a third time he reached over and answered it hoping it hadn't woken Jessica or the baby up.

"Hello" he answered in a sleepy voice.

"I'm sorry if I've woken you but I'm looking for someone named Sam Winchester" the voice asked him. Sam suddenly felt very cold.

"Umm you're speaking to him. How can I help you?" He instantly felt dread. It had to be bad news, who else would call him at 6:00 in the morning?

"Ahh Mr. Winchester, I'm Dr. Katchen. I'm the Chief Psychiatrist here at Mountain View Psychiatric Hospital in Hawthorn, Pennsylvania. We have a man here; he's really quite ill right now. We've been treating him for a few weeks now and I didn't know who to contact because he didn't carry any ID on him. After looking through his things we decided to start calling numbers we found in his cell phone. Yours was the last number called so we decided to start there. We tried calling the number listed in his cell phone for you but it seems to have been disconnected." The voice continued after reading off to Sam the old phone number.

"Yeah I don't use that phone number any more, haven't for years, so how did you find me?" Sam asked almost afraid to find out.

"I have some connections in law enforcement. Really I was desperate, please don't think I was trying to spy on you, but once I found out your name, I was able to pull up your name online in the phone directory. You are still living in California are you not?" the Doctor asked trying to verify Sam's connection to the man in his ward.

"Yes, I just graduated from Stanford law school." Sam replied

"Congratulations that's quite an honor. I have several friends who are alumni of that fine school." The Doctor absently rambled on.

"Doctor I don't mean to be rude but is there a reason why you are calling?" Sam asked getting exasperated at the doctor's pokiness.

"I'm sorry I got off track. This man here, since he's been brought in, has been exhibiting signs of post traumatic syndrome. I've also diagnosed him as being bipolar manic depressive with psychotic features. He hasn't said much to our staff here. Really he hasn't said anything at all except one name over and over again and then only when we found him rocking on the floor. Like I said earlier he didn't carry any ID on him when he was found wandering in the streets. I was hoping you could help us identify him. Perhaps you are a family member?" Sam could hear hope in the man's voice. Sam hesitated before he asked his next question.

"What does the man look like? Is he older or around 30?" he asked surprised that his voice shook a little bit.

"This man is definitely older than 30. I'd say at least in his late 50's early 60's of course when you live on the street like this man has obviously done, you age a lot faster than normal. Still I'm quite sure he is not a man around 30. Do you know who this is?" the Doctor went on to tell Sam a near perfect description of his father.

"He's my father." Sam barely got the words out as the information sunk in. Part of him was hoping it was Dean not his father. "His name is John Winchester."

"John Winchester. At last we can call him by his rightful name. It always bothers me when we don't find out who a person is right away. So many people get lost in the system both here and on the streets. Did you know your father was living on the streets? When was the last time you talked to him?" The Doctor was asking him questions he wasn't ready to answer. Sam stayed silent for a moment before answering.

"My father and I haven't spoken in 8 yrs Doctor Katchen. I haven't seen him nor have I heard from him in all those years. So no I didn't know he was living on the streets. He threw me out of the house when I was 18 and I stayed gone, is that enough information for you?" Sam could feel the old anger creeping up into his voice. The Doctor hesitated before he asked the next question unsure of the reaction he would get.

"Then Dean would be your brother?" he asked immediately knowing but needing that confirmation before he told this man any further information. "I only ask because that was the name your father kept repeating when we first admitted him."

Dean…. where the hell was Dean? If he wasn't with Dad then where the hell was he? Sam knew he never would have let their father live on the streets. Sam felt the blood drain from his face.

"Yes Dean is my brother. I haven't spoken to him in that same amount of time either Doctor. What's going on?"

"I was afraid of that. Son I don't know how to tell you. I only know about it because we found his obituary among the few items your father carried…" the Doctor never had a chance to finish his sentence.

"Whaaat? Whaaaaaat?" Sam stammered as he heard the word obituary. He felt his body go limp and he dropped the phone. Slowly he fell off the chair and landed on the dining room floor going numb. Dean was dead? How the hell could Dean be dead? And why the hell didn't this father call and let him know his only brother had died. Jesus Christ! Sam was cursing and muttering before he realized the Doctor was calling his name. He slowly picked up the phone again.

"He's dead? How is that possible? How the hell did he die? When the hell did he die?" he started shouting out questions faster that the Doctor could answer.

"I'm sorry I don't really have too much information Mr. Winchester. There was a newspaper clipping along with the obituary. Apparently your brother died in some sort of automobile accident." Sam could hear the man looking through some papers on his desk. "Yes it was an automobile accident According to the clipping the car was on fire and before bystanders could get to your brother the car exploded. I'm so sorry to have to tell you this. I know this must be very stressful."

"When…." Sam voice was almost a whisper now.

"May 4th 2006." The Doctor answered

"Three years…..You're telling me my brother has been dead for three years. I don't believe you. No… no you can't be telling me the truth. Someone would have called me. Someone would have let me know. We have friends damn it…why didn't someone try to call me?" Sam was almost to the point of hysteria.

Right then Jessica came into the dinning room, fear on her face, when she heard Sam screaming.

"Sammy, Sammy what is it?" she started asking immediately scared to find him crying, sitting on the floor. She knelt down next to him and listened as he spoke to someone on the phone. Sam nodded a few times as who ever was speaking to him tried to calm him down. This went on for another few minutes until Jessica heard Sam say good bye and drop the phone again.

"Sammy?" she asked grabbing his hand wiping the tears that rolled down his cheeks.

"It's Dean…. He's dead Jess. He's dead and no one bother to call me about it. He's been dead over three years Jess…three years. I never had a chance to say goodbye." Jessica wrapped her arms around Sam and held him tight as he started to sob on her shoulder. Rubbing her hands on his back she rocked him through his tears and they stayed that way until Sam was able to recover. Finally Sam pulled back and slumped against the wall.

"You must think I'm an idiot." He said avoiding her eyes.

"Sammy you just found out your brother died. It's okay to cry, really it is. Who was that on the phone?" she pulled his chin up and looked him straight in the eye.

"That was some Doctor in Pennsylvania. Apparently Dads' had some sort of break down and is in a mental institution, not that I'm surprised about that. I guess they've been trying to find out who he was and started calling all the numbers in his cell phone. Since mine was the last number dialed I got to hear the news first, lucky me eh? The Doctor said they were able to trace my last number, find out my last name, and then he just looked me up on line, just like that. I had to hear about this from some stranger Jess. I can't believe someone, especially with the kind of friends my father has, I cant believe someone could do what that Doctor did and find out where I was." He looked down at his hands and shook his head.

"I hurt him Jess. I really hurt Dad when I left but he hurt me too. Did I hurt him so badly that he thought he couldn't call me and tell me about Dean? Did he think I wouldn't give a damn? He was my brother for Christ sake. I loved him." Suddenly he started to cry again. Jess held his hand and let his tears fall for all the lost chances he was never going to have again. After a few minutes Sam collected himself and started to stand up.

"I have to go to Pennsylvania. I've got to see Dad." he said moving around the dining room gathering up all his books. "I know we don't have a lot of money right now so I'll have to drive. I think the car will make it. Ummm... I'll call work and explain there's been a death in the family. Oh god." He stopped as he spoke the words. Jessica took his hand again as he went silent.

"Nonsense, you can't drive that far Sam, you'll have to fly. I've got some money saved. I can borrow the rest from my parents. You know they love you as if you are there own, I'm sure they'll help. I'll give them a call right now." Jessica gave his hand a quick squeeze.

Sam hesitated. He hated to ask his in-laws for more money. They had already been so generous with his school bills and the baby. They knew that even though Sam had kept a job the whole time he was in law school money was always tight for them. He was so grateful they understood that until he passed the bar and actually started to practice it would continue to be so. But still, this was a Winchester problem and he hated to drag them into it. He was about to tell Jessica to not call her parents when she looked at him and read his mind.

"Samuel Winchester don't you dare tell me this is a family thing and you need to take care of it without my help. I married you for better or for worse and this is the worse. Now go pack while I talk to my father." She gave him a stern look and right away he remembered why he married her. She was the only girl he'd ever dated who saw through all his crap and gave it right back at him.

"Tell your folks thanks." He said as he kissed her on the cheek. Moving past her he headed to their bedroom to pack.

Hours later they stood outside the passenger drop off saying goodbye. Sam hugged Jessica tightly until the baby started to fuss because Sam had accidentally squished him against his mother. He took the baby from Jessica and gave him a quick kiss.

"Keep Mommy company Brendan, Daddy will be back in a few days." He gave the baby another kiss before handing him back to Jessica.

"Call me as soon as you land ok, sweetie." she told him. The baby started to giggle on her hip as Sam made faces at him. "Go on you goof ball." Sam leaned over and kissed her quickly as she started to laugh at him.

"I promise as soon as I land." He agreed giving her a quick smile. He tousled his son's hair before turning around and heading into the airport towards security. Jessica watched until she could see him no longer then turned headed back home.

Tbc

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Authors note: I'm not sure how long I'm gonna make this story. I have a few chapters in mind of course so I know there will be at least 3 or 4, possibly more if I get a run on it. You know how that goes. For the Dean girls out there I promise his story _will_ be told in flash backs. I just can't totally ignore him, he is Dean after all. I mean just what exactly was he doing all those years without Sammy. We'll just have to see won't we? Thanks for reading and please leave a review.


	2. Chapter 2

Authors note: As I'm writing this I realized just how much of a depressing story this is going to be. Given the subject matter I don't know if I will be able to lighten it up at all. This would be a good time to go and take your happy pills.

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Chapter 2: Chatting with the Doc.

Sam was true to his word. As soon as he landed and grabbed his suitcase he gave Jessica a call. The first call he made after that was to the hospital and to his fathers Doctor to let him know he was on his way. It was approaching dusk now. The flight had been long and Sam hoped to make it to the hospital before visiting hours were over. Doctor Katchen assured him that no matter what time he got there he would have a chance to see his father.

Hawthorn was a medium size town, with a small downtown area. Hopping in a cab he directed the cab driver to take him to the cheapest motel near the hospital. Four blocks away from the hospital the cabbie dropped him off at the local 'no tell motel' as Dean would have put it. Sam smiled as he remembered the countless times he and Dean had landed in one of those.

His room actually wasn't that bad. The bed look decent, the room not too garishly decorated, and it had real cable not just porn. He propped his suitcase up on the bed and pulled out what few clothes he had managed to stuff in the small suitcase before he left. He pulled out one of two suit jackets he owned and gave it a once over with the steam iron the motel had graciously loaned to him. Looking at himself in the mirror he decided given the circumstances it was as good as he was gonna look. Finally he put on his tie and took a deep breath.

He didn't really know what to expect. If what the Doctor had told him was true then his father had been sick for quite awhile. He wondered how much his father had changed. Sam had asked the doctor not to tell his father he was coming and reluctantly the Doctor had agreed. While Sam was taking a big chance, it was a chance he was willing to take. He had to see his father. He had to know why his father did what he did. He hoped once his father saw him that they could have some sort of truce between them. He thought of all his wishes….and his biggest wish which was never to come true. Despite today's outcome his brother would still be dead.

He locked the door behind him and headed down the street to the hospital. Four simple little blocks. Four blocks where the closer he got the heavier his legs felt. The heavier his soul felt. As he approached the stairs leading into the hospital he hesitated.

"What the hell am I doing?" he thought to himself. A thousand fears filled his head and heart. What if his father said he didn't want to see him? What if he didn't know who Sam was? What if he didn't remember what happened to Dean? What? What? What? Sam took a deep breath to steady his nerves. Once he took that first step towards the door he was okay. He knew he had to do it for his brother. He owed Dean that much.

At the reception desk the receptionist took his name and made a quick phone call to Doctor Katchen's assistant to let him know Sam had arrived. Directing him to the waiting area Sam was forced to sit for what seemed forever until the doors opened and a middle aged man came towards him.

"I'm sorry to have kept you waiting Mr. Winchester; I had a patient in trouble. Did you have a good flight?" He asked holding out his hand to Sam. Sam grasped it firmly and returned the gesture.

"Bout as good as any flight would be under these circumstances Doctor," Sam replied. "and please call me Sam. Mr. Winchester sounds too much like you're talking to my Dad."

"Understood, understood. Let's go down the hall to my office if you please. I'd like to explain a few things before we head over to your father's ward." The Doctor said as he gestured over to the doors which led to the patient part of the hospital. Sam tried not to look around as he followed the Doctor down the beige corridor to his office.

"Normally I would not be meeting a patient's family member here at the hospital. I would have preferred to have had you come to my private practice first but with these circumstances I will make an exception. Come now, here's my office." He pulled out a key and unlocked the door letting Sam in first before shutting in behind them.

"Make yourself comfortable." He said hanging up his white jacket and setting down behind his desk. Sam looked around and thought about sitting on the sofa against the wall but thought that would have been too much like a therapy session. Instead he moved one of the chairs next to the desk around the front so he could face the Doctor. The Doctor looked at him and nodded approving of his decision to sit closer.

"Good, that proves you're not afraid of me." he smiled at Sam as he leaned back against the chair. The Doctor reached over, grabbed a file from on top the nearest file cabinet, and opened it on his desk, flipping through some pages before resting on what he wanted.

"Should I be Doctor?" Sam asked at the strange comment.

"No not really, it's just most of my patients feel it's necessary to sit on the sofa when we talk." The Doctor explained.

"Well I'm not one of your patients." Sam remarked back. He sat back in his chair and folded his hands together waiting for the Doctor to start.

"Ahh good lets get started. Like I explained on the phone this morning, your father was found wandering in the streets. Physically he was severely dehydrated and looked like he hadn't eaten a regular meal in quite some time. Also he suffered from a lack of personal hygiene. We were quite concerned when we started to clean him up and discovered his body was a maze of old and not so old scars. Do you know what you father could have been doing to have been the victim of so many injuries?" the Doctor started jotting down some notes as he spoke. Momentarily panicking at the question, Sam came up with the only practical occupation that might have been the cause all those injuries

"When he was younger my father used to be a bounty hunter. As you can imagine sometimes the people he was sent after didn't always want to go willingly. I lost count how many times my father was slashed or stabbed. He's even been shot a few times." Sam looked the good doctor straight in the eye as he lied. The Doctor wrote some notes as Sam finished his story.

"And how long was your father a bounty hunter?" the Doctor asked as he continued to write notes.

"I assumed he was still on the job. Once I went off to college I lost contact with him." Sam shifted a bit in his seat.

"Tell me about that Sam. What happened that you spent eight years out of contact with the rest of your family? It must have been very traumatic for you." The Doctor looked up briefly as he spoke. He gauged Sam's reaction to the question and made a note.

"Doctor I thought we were here to talk about my father not me." Sam wasn't ready to open up that can of worms.

"Son, clearly something happened in your family at that time that made you leave your family behind. It think it's important as part of his treatment. What about your mother, did you stop having contact with her as well?" He asked aware of Sam's growing uneasiness.

"I stopped having contact with my mother when I was six months old, Doctor." Sam's didn't try to hide his displeasure at having to continue this line of questioning.

"I'm sorry, six months old you say?" The Doctor wrote that information down on a separate sheet of paper.

"My mother was murdered then Doc, she didn't just get up and leave one day." Sam spoke matter of factly rightfully assuming the Doctor had the wrong scenario down.

"Ahh I'm sorry. So you have no real memories of her then?" Surprised at Sam's response, he looked up at Sam realizing, that despite his attempt to hide it, the pain that was still present in the old wound.

"Only what my father and Dean have told me." Sam looked down at his hands as he spoke, inwardly cringing as he realized he spoke of Dean in present tense.

"And your father, how did he react to her murder?" The doctor's voice softened as he caught the unconscious mistake. Sam stopped as he decided whether to tell him the truth or to go with the lie.

'_Well my father abandoned Dean and me to take up this futile search for the demon that killed our mother. In the process he alienated his youngest son and apparently some how got his oldest son killed on his quest for vengeance_.' Looking back up at the Doctor he continued with the lie.

"After they found out who killed my mother and they went to prison my father decided he would become a bounty hunter. It sort of became our family business. He would be gone for days on end while Dean and I stayed with friends. Some times we would go along with him and help out." Sam decided to leave out the part where he and Dean, as children, would be left for days or weeks alone in motel rooms. That bit of information would only bring more questions he didn't want to answer.

"So both you and your brother followed your father into as you say the 'family business', at what age did you start?" The Doctor was now leaning back in his chair waiting for Sam's response.

"When we were kids Dad would let us tag along and maybe help out, well my brother more than me. Dean had a real affinity for it. Me, I just followed along for the ride." Sam hoped his lie was convincing. The Doctor looked at Sam, knew there had to be more than that simple answer, and formulated his next question carefully.

"So you are telling me you more or less were forced into this lifestyle against your will and this started when you were children? How did the authorities not get involved with a man who allows his children to tag along on such a dangerous occupation?" the Doctor started to write notes again on the separate piece of paper.

"Anytime someone came snooping around we would just up and leave town. Usually that didn't happen unless one of us got hurt. Stupid hospitals always reported our injuries to Social Services." Sam kicked himself inwardly again for giving away too much information.

"Just how often did you and your brother get hurt?" the Doctor was now convinced that his patients mental illness went further back then he thought. What kind of man would subject his children to the daily threats of violence and possible injury? This had to be the result of Delayed Stress Syndrome caused by his wife's murder. No _healthy_ man would have subjected his children to this kind of constant terror and threat.

Sam knew he didn't want to answer any more of the doctors questions. He could tell by the doctors behavior that he had already formed an opinion on his fathers mental health and Sam didn't want to add any more fuel to the fire, so to speak. Besides if he kept talking, the Doctor was liable to have him committed as well.

"Doctor no offense but I really just want to see my father. I've just spent three flights, two layovers, and 11 hours trying to get here. Can we postpone this little chat until tomorrow?"

"Of course, of course Sam. I got a little carried away, I'm sorry. It's obvious that your father has lived a very interesting life and my ultimate my goal to get the man back to himself. Forgive me if I got a little too enthusiastic. Your presence here can only be helpful. I should warn you though, with your father living on the streets, I'm sure you understand his appearance is probably not how you remember him."

"How so Doctor?" Sam figured he would be thinner, greyer certainly, but other wise he should still look the same as he always did. The Doctor stood up and beckoned him to the door. Following him down the hallway and through a series of locked doors, Sam found himself in the middle of a patience visiting room. Several orderlies were present keeping an eye on the other patients who were also having visitors. As he was about to enter to room the Doctor stopped him with a gentle touch of his arm.

"Your father has been through a considerable ordeal son. As much as you want to see him, if he starts to get agitated, I will have to ask you to leave. I can't take the risk of traumatizing him further. Also keep in mind he probably doesn't look as he did eight years ago. Remember too, that just seeing him again is liable to trigger a strong emotional reaction in you as well. If you want to talk afterwards, I'll be back in my office." The Doctor lead Sam through the door and into the waiting area. Sam turned to shake the doctors hand.

"Thanks doc for giving me this chance, I really appreciate it. I think I can take it from here." Sam started to look around the room for his father.

"I'll be in my office if you need me. Good luck Sam." He said shaking Sam's hand back.

"Thanks again." Sam turned around as the Doctor left and started to walk around the room. Several patients sat by themselves but none of them looked like his father. As he moved around the room he looked at the faces of those he passed by. Off to the side sat a man, hair close shaved, rail thin, with his back towards the room. He sat hunched over, hands folded on the table he was leaning up against. Sam gave him a glance and kept walking.

"Sammy…." the voice almost a whisper but John Winchesters none the less. It wasn't until Sam heard his name that he turned and recognized his father.

"Dad……"

Tbc

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Authors note: I had to stop it there. You know their conversation is gonna be a doosy. Thanks for reading. Don't forget to leave a review.


	3. Chapter 3

Authors note: I know some of you are convinced that Dean is alive somewhere. I hate to tell you this but he is indeed very dead so his story will only be told in flashbacks and memories. Please don't hate me. Sometimes life doesn't give you second chances.

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Chapter 3 : Begging for an explanation.

Sam was stunned, absolutely stunned when he looked at the man who called him by name. This man before him was painfully thin, clean shaven, with his hair buzzed to almost non existence. What struck Sam the most was the absolute lack of hope and joy in his eyes. Even as Sam sat down across from him until he opened his mouth Sam was not yet convinced it was his father. This man looked so lost. Sam looked at his eyes and saw the truth. The great John Winchester sitting in front of him was a man reduced, demoralized, and destitute of all things that mattered in the world.

"Dad….." Sam said again unable to find words to say anything else. As John looked up at him he gave Sam a sad smile that barely registered on his face.

"You'd better call your brother and let him know where you are. You know how much he worries about you." John's voice was hoarse from lack of use. Sam was stunned by what his father said and for a moment hope reared it ugly head again. Then Sam remembered the obituary and what the Doctor had told him. It was obvious his father had never dealt with Dean's death adequately and so therefore was still assuming Dean was still alive somewhere else.

"Maybe that's the only way he can deal with it," Sam thought to himself. The pain of knowing Dean was dead seemed too much for his father to handle. Sam was at a loss of words to say next. Should he pretend that Dean was alive somewhere on a hunt, or should he talk his father as if he knew Dean was dead? He wished Doctor Katchen were still around so he could ask his advice. The last thing he wanted to do was cause his father further pain but if he didn't ask him what happened to his brother he may never find out the real story.

Sam had to know what happened to his brother.

"Dad what happened to Dean?" he asked as gently as he could manage. Fear and loss flashed suddenly in John's eyes and for a moment Sam regretted asking his father the question. Seconds passed and what little remained of John Winchester seemed to disappeared again in the man who sat now in front of Sam. Sam clung to the hope that somewhere inside his father's memories was the real story of what happened to his brother. He tempted fate again.

"Dad please, you have to remember. What happened to Dean? I have to know." Sam lowered his head so his eye level matched his fathers. Sam held his breath and looked intently at his face as he waited for John to return to himself. For a moment John almost panicked. He looked at Sam with wide eyes that suddenly brimmed with tears.

"I never meant anything to happen to you boys." John looked past Sam as if he was looking to a different world. "I never thought …" Sam looked into his fathers eyes and knew he had lost him again as John sat still, staring blankly in front of him. Sam reached over and gently touched his hand. The reaction was immediate and not what Sam expected. John grabbed his hand back as if Sam's touch burned him. Sam sat back shocked by his father's reaction.

"Jesus what the hell!" he mumbled to himself before getting up out of the chair and walking a few feet away. John sat holding his hand giving Sam a distrustful look. Sam turned around and looked back at his father.

"Don't you ever touch me again." John voice was low and full of anger and fear. "You got me once but you will never get me again." Sam was shocked and confused by his father's behavior. As he started back towards the table John suddenly jumped up from his seat glaring at Sam. Sam held up his hands and stopped moving towards his father. Glancing around Sam saw several of the orderlies look over in their direction. As they started to approach Sam waved them off.

"It's okay. It's okay." He said to the orderlies not wanting to frighten his father further. They stopped but continued to watch the pair closely. Sam gestured towards his father's empty seat.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Please sit down again." He spoke with a soft and non threatening tone to his father. John continued to eye him suspiciously but returned to his seat.

"Dad you have no reason to be afraid of me, I'm your son. I would never hurt you. I'm here to help." Sam once again sat in the chair across from his father. John folded his hands and lowered his head.

"You're not my son, my son is dead" his voice spoke with grief-stricken pain. Once again Sam wished the Doctor were nearby.

"Dad it's me. It's Sammy." He was almost pleading with his father to see _him_.

John raised his head and once again examined the face in front of him. Recognition came slowly but it eventually came. He gave Sam a bigger smile than the first time.

"Sammy is that really you?" Sam could hear the relief in his voice.

"Yeah Dad it's me, how you doin'?" Sam smiled back. John looked around at his surroundings.

"They think I'm nuts son. Can't say I can really blame them." he chuckled for a moment then he stopped "How the hell did you find me?"

"I got a call from your Doctor. They started calling all the numbers you last called on your cell phone and apparently I was the last once. They had to do some research cuz I haven't had that number in years but they finally found me." Sam explained.

"Then I guess that explains a few things." John said once again laughing to himself.

"What's that Dad?"

"Why the hell you never answered any of my phone calls. I just assumed you were still pissed as hell at me and was ignoring them."

"But you kept calling me anyways Dad, even when I never answered, why?" Sam asked

"Because I kept hoping that some day, some day, you would forgive me and answer. Because sometimes I was so damn lost I didn't know if I was coming or going. Because I missed you and just wanted to hear your voice again." John's confession shook Sam. "Because I knew I had lost one son and prayed everyday I hadn't lost my other son and then you never answered and I knew it was my entire fault."

Oh my god Dad, it's not just your fault. In the beginning I did ignore your calls just as I ignored Dean's calls as well. I was just so damn angry at you. I thought if you really didn't want me back then I didn't want to come back either. My stupid pride Dad, all these years…" Sam's voice trailed off as his own tears welled up in his eyes. This time John reached across the table and took Sam's hand. Sam felt his father's gentle squeeze and returned it.

"What a pair we are son. In the end it cost us the things that are most precious to us. It cost us each other. It cost us Dean." John's voice trembled at the memory of Dean's death.

"_Dad, Dad don't let it kill me..., Dad please..."_

Sam watched as pain and memories clouded his father's eyes again. John turned his head unable to face his youngest son any longer. Sam had the right to ask what happened to his brother but John didn't know if he could bear to watch his remaining son's eyes as he finally learned the truth. Memories of that awful day flooded his consciousness.

_He was captured and held hostage by minions of the demon that had killed his wife. Dean, being the hunter he was, ignored the obvious dangers as he tried to rescue his father. What Dean didn't know, and had no way of knowing, was that John was possessed by the demon that killed his mother, when he rescued him. Trapped inside his own body John could only watch as the demon tortured his son. The joy the demon felt as John's pain radiated through his body was pleasure beyond anything it had ever known. When it was sure it had caused maximum suffering it left John's body leaving him laying on the floor next to his dying son. John crawled to Dean and gathered him up in his arms. Blood flowed from the terrible wounds the demon had inflicted on him. That John had inflicted on him. Dean's eyes opened and locked on his fathers._

"_Dad…" his voice barely a whisper. His eyes wide with fear as he sensed his body weakening. He began to struggle._

"_Easy son. Don't try to talk." John clutched him tighter trying to will away the pain. Dean started gasping for breath as blood began to fill his lungs. "It's okay son, I've got you. It's okay."_

_As Dean's breaths began to weaken, John thought about all the things he wanted to say to his son. He wanted to beg forgiveness for all the times he wasn't the father he should have been. He wanted to tell his son how proud he was for the man he had become. He wanted to apologize for forcing him into a life of vengeance instead of the life he should have had. He wanted Dean to know how sorry he was that he drove his brother away never to return. Instead he said the one thing he should have said so many years before. _

"_I love you son."_

_With his last breath Dean heard his father's words and rewarded him with a gift he didn't deserve. He looked up at his father one last time and smiled before closing his eyes forever._

John suddenly began sobbing as he struggled with pictures in his head. Sam got up, ran around to his father's side, and knelt down in front of him.

"Dad what is it? Tell me." Sam's eyes brimmed with his own tears now as he watched his father fall apart.

"Sammy I'm so sorry…..." he said gasping between sobs.

"It's alright Dad. It's alright" Sam tried to comfort his father but was at a loss as to what to do under the circumstances. His father was strongest man he had ever known and to see him, as he was right then, was un-nerving to Sam. As he tried to calm his father down he was unprepared for what his father confessed to next.

"I killed him Sammy. I killed your brother."

Sam stood back unable to believe what he father was saying. His mind reeling as it digested words too terrible to imagine.

"No Dad no, that's just not possible." It had to be a lie. His father was obviously distraught and didn't know what he was talking about. Sam knelt down in front of his father again waiting for some sort of further explanation. When John stayed silent Sam reached for his fathers face and looked into his eyes again. For a brief moment Sam thought he was going to get all the answers to his questions but that hope was dashed quickly as his fathers eyes clouded over and he retreated back inside his mind again.

"Oh Dad…." Sam leaned over and hugged his father to him and they stayed that way until Sam finally pulled away. He pulled his chair closer to his fathers and sat next to him hoping John would come around again. After an hour of painful silence, Sam got up, gently rubbed his fathers head, and left him sitting in the visiting room. Heading out of the ward he stopped at the Doctor's office and knocked on the door.

"Come in" Sam heard the Doctors voice call from inside. Looking up as the door opened the Doctor waved Sam to the chair in front of his desk again noting Sam's distress immediately.

"I tried to warn you about your father's condition. Was he able to answer any of your questions? He opened John's file again and started to write some more notes as Sam leaned back in the chair.

"What happened to him Doctor Katchen?" Sam took a deep breath. His father's words still echoing in his head.

"I'm not sure Sam. There seems to be several years missing between now and when your brother died. I've been in contact with a few other people who's numbers were also in your fathers cell phone. There's a woman, a Missouri Mosley, who lives in Lawrence Kansas. She and I spoke briefly earlier today after I spoke with you. Apparently she and your father have been friends for quiet some time and remembered you and your brother. Perhaps you should speak with her. I can give you her number if you want. She also suggested that you stop and visit her on your way back home. She wanted me to tell you that's where your brother is buried." The Doctor wrote down Missouri's phone number and handed it to Sam.

"Next to my mother probably." Sam spoke softy as he took the offered paper. He knew Dean wouldn't actually be in the grave next to his mother's anymore than is mother was actually in her grave. Fire had a way of destroying a human body leaving only fragments and certainly an explosion wouldn't have left much of his brother either. John explained once many years ago that the reason their mother had a grave was at the request of her family so they had a place to visit. Perhaps they had done the same about Dean though Sam doubted his father had had any contact with them after all these years. Truly Sam had as little memory of his mother's family as he had of his mother. He chalked it up to one more thing missing in his life.

"Doctor it's getting late, do you think I can stop by again and visit my father tomorrow?" Sam grimly asked almost not willing to face John again.

"Do you think it will help?" The Doctor didn't want to raise any false hopes of a quick cure. John Winchester was a very ill man and his son was a very desperate one. Until his father started to get better Doctor Katchen held out little hope Sam would do him any good just hanging around. Sam looked at the Doctor and knew the answer immediately.

"Doctor I want to stay but if you think there's no point to it then I'm just gonna head back home tomorrow. I just wanted….I just needed, you know, to find out what happened to my brother. My father told me some things but I can't believe they are true."

"And what was that Sam?" maybe Sam could be of some help after all, the Doctor thought.

"He told me he killed my brother. I just can't believe that Doctor Katchen. My father would have never harmed either one of us. Put us in dangerous situations, sure, but actually kill one of us. I just can't believe it."

"But if what your father told you was even remotely true, Sam, then that would certainly explain some of your father's behavior. Guilt is a powerful crippling emotion. Clearly your father is having trouble dealing with your brother's death whether he is the cause of it or not. Do you want my advice?" The Doctor put down his pen leaned over towards Sam.

"You're gonna tell me to go home aren't you?" Sam said looking back at the Doctor.

"Yes you should go home but I think you need to make one stop first."

"What you mean is, you think I should stop in Lawrence, don't you?" Sam mulled the idea before waiting for the Doctor's answer.

"Yes Sam. Perhaps you can use this trip as some sort of closure for you. Talk to your father's friend. Go visit your brother's grave and say your good byes. This loss is traumatic and you need to find a way to deal with it or you will end up like your father." The Doctor explained.

"I'm gonna call my wife and tell her I'm coming home early. I'm not sure I want to stop in Lawrence, Doctor Katchen. I'm not sure I'm ready for that just yet, maybe someday. Will you promise to keep me up to date on my father's condition?"

"You have my word Sam." Sam stood up satisfied he had done all he could for his father. Still he hated to go back home without knowing the whole truth behind his brothers death. He offered his hand and the Doctor took it solemnly.

"Son your father is getting the best treatment possible. I promise to do everything I can to return him to the father you once knew."

" I know you will Doctor Katchen. I'll check with you in a few days okay just to see if there have been any changes in his condition."

"I look forward to your calls." The Doctor watched as Sam headed to the door, his hands tucked in the suits pockets.

As Sam walked out of the hospital he clutched the piece of paper the Doctor had given him. Part of him wanted to call this woman and part of him wanted to leave Pennsylvania and forget he ever answered the phone that morning. It was late and he was exhausted by the day's events. Desperately needing some sleep he decided he would make that decision in the morning.

Tbc

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Authors note: Okay so I added a touch of canon to this chapter just to tie it into my story. Thanks for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Do I really want to go?

Sam woke up the next morning with a pounding headache. Having spent the better part of the night tossing and turning, the lack of sleep was catching up with him. He couldn't let go the images of his father crying, defeated, and alone.

"_I killed him, Sammy. I killed your brother."_

The words echoed in Sam's head all night long. How could his father have killed Dean? What could have happened that would have made their father think he was responsible for his brother's death. So many unanswered questions. So many unanswered questions he wasn't sure he wanted answers to. He knew he had to call the one person who could help him decide what to do. He flipped open his cell phone and called home. After a few rings a tired voice picked up. Sam immediately looked at the clock and realized it was 5:00 am California time.

"Aw honey I'm so sorry I didn't mean to wake you up." He said instantly apologizing.

"Sammy, what's the matter honey? What time is it?" she said sitting up in bed switching on the light on the nightstand. Her questions were met with cold silence.

"Sammy what's the matter? Are you ok?" her heart started to race as she waited for some acknowledgement from her husband. "Sammy talk to me…."

"I saw him Jess." He said almost afraid to continue. The minute he heard her voice he knew he was going to lose it and he was right. Jess could hear him struggling to control himself.

"It's okay sweetie. You saw your Dad, is he okay?" She knew Sam was going to have a rough time with this but his breaking down was not what she had expected.

"Nooooo…" he said as he started to sob. "Jess you should have seen him. That man…I don't know who that man is but he's not my father, at least not anymore. They found him living on the streets Jess. He was homeless and wandering around on the streets. How could my Dad be homeless? Where are all his friends? How could they let him fall through the cracks? How the hell did he let his life get so fucked up?" Jessica heard the anger now creeping into his voice and then Sam fell silent. He sat on the motel bed and cried a little longer as he envisioned his father lost and alone.

"What does this Doctor say about his condition, Sammy?" Jess asked hesitantly but desperate to help her husband calm down.

"He thinks it's some form of delayed stress syndrome that maybe started after Dean died. Then he said something about Dad being bi-polar manic depressive or what ever the hell that means. Jesus Jess, he thinks my dads' crazy." Sam spoke calming down finally.

"What do you think honey?"

"I saw him, he really needs help Jess, some serious damn help. If he can't get it there I don't know where he can get it. This Doctor, he seemed to know what he was talking about, at least he had a lot of diplomas on his wall. Damn Jess, I don't know what to do." Sam sat with his head in his hand with the phone up to his ear.

"You gonna go back to the hospital today?"

"I'm not sure. The Doctor doesn't think that my being there can help Dad. If I go back again today it might even make things worse. I don't know, I want to see him again. I need to know Jess, what the hell happened to Dean. Only Dad knows for sure….." He stopped suddenly hearing his father's words echo in his head again

"_I killed him, Sammy. I killed your brother."_

And he started crying again.

"Sammy, Sammy listen to me everything is going to be alright. Honey, listen to me. What's goin on? Talk to me baby." Jess pleaded with Sam getting upset herself on her end of the phone.

"Jess…. He told me _he_ killed Dean. What the hell, I don't believe that crap, not Dad. He would never hurt us, never! He'd dive in front of the bullet first if it meant we were safe. I know my father. He could never do anything like that, not knowingly." Sam barely got out the words.

"But you said yourself he's not in his right mind. What if he was sick three years ago and he did kill your brother." She had to ask even if she knew it was gonna hurt her husband.

"Stop it stop it Jess, you don't know my Dad. He would never ….." Sam went silent as images of possibilities flashed through his head. Even under a worse case scenario Sam couldn't imagine his father killing Dean, he'd bet his life on it. The silence lasted until Sam could hear Jessica calling his name.

"Sammy….Sammy honey talk to me." she spoke softly trying to reel him back in.

"You know he's been trying to call me for years. He still had my old cell phone number from when we were all together, you know the one that changed after I switch services. I was the last number he tried to call before they found him. Me. All this time he thought I wasn't answering because I didn't want to talk to him. What if he did try to call me about Dean, Jessica? Every time I didn't answer he thought I still hated him enough to ignore him……" the implications were starting to stagger him.

It was his fault. Maybe if he had just answered one of Dean's calls after he went to Stanford they would have still been speaking to each other when he got a better cell deal through school and switched plans. He remembered he kept meaning to call his brother to give him the new number but kept putting it off. His stupid, stupid pride. He could feel the regret washed over him in waves.

"Sammy you had no way of knowing, hon. You thought your father meant what he said. He's the one that threw you out. He's the one that told you to stay gone. I remember how angry you were the first time I asked you about your family, you almost bit my head off. I knew you didn't want to talk about it that's why I never pressed you. Then one day you told me about them, Dean, and your father, you were so sad I just wanted to hug you and never let you go. I was so angry at them for ever hurting you. That's when I knew I was in love with you."

"Dean never hurt me." Sam spoke in a hushed whispered tone.

"What sweetie?" Jessica asked not sure if she understood him.

"Dean never hurt me. All his life he protected me. Dad made him my protector the night our mother died. He put me in Dean's arms and told him to carry me out of the house and he did. He was four years old, Jess. As we got older and Dad wasn't around too much, if I ever needed anything, Dean was around to make sure I got it. If I was hungry, if I needed clothes, if I needed help with my homework, somehow he always was there to make it happen. Dad would be gone for weeks sometimes, and there wouldn't be food in the house, then suddenly Dean would show up with a bag full of groceries and that crazy smile of his. I never knew how he did it, and maybe I didn't want to know. He used to do stuff….get odd jobs, some maybe not too legal considering his age.

One summer we were stuck in Texas in the middle of nowhere, Dad was gone again, money really tight and he found this old lawnmower that someone had thrown away and he fixed it up and started his own lawn service. I think he was around 15, anyways, after about 3 days working in the hot sun he came home sick as a dog. He had heat exhaustion real bad, damn near had heat stroke. The temperature had been around 100 degrees outside and he was out mowing lawns for cash. I thought I was gonna have to call an ambulance when I couldn't get him to wake up, scared the crap out of me. When he finally woke up and I told him how sick he had been he just laughed and pulled out a wad of bills. He'd made enough money to keep us in the crappy motel for another week. By the time Dad got home he was better and he never told Dad what happened. I remember thinking how could Dad not realized he hadn't left us with enough money to get by. Guess he must have figured if things got tight Dean would know what to do and he was right. Dean always knew what to do. He would just take care of it, no matter what. I never really appreciated that, you know Jess. I guess I was just like Dad. I just expected Dean to handle what ever came up cuz he always did."

"Sounds like he was really cool brother, Sammy." Jess acknowledged as she heard the fondness in Sam's voice for his brother.

"I wish you could've met him Jess." He told her sadly as he remembered she was never going to have that chance again.

"I wish I could have too Sammy." she nodded on her end. In all the years she had knew Sam, he had only spoke of his brother a few times, mostly when he'd had too many at the pool hall. Those had been bitter, angry rants about how he felt his brother betrayed him by not sticking up for him against their father. Jessica felt Sam's anger at his brother slip away as the mourning process started. She let him talk and found out more about the real Dean.

The Dean who took an 6 yr old Sam trick or treating one Halloween against John's wishes because Sam had seen a special on TV and wanted to know what it was all about. John insisted he tell him the real reason behind the holiday but all Sam cared about was the pillow case full of candy that he ate for the next week.

The Dean who used to hide his report cards from what ever high school he was attending at that moment, not because he was failing, but because he was getting straight A's and had his teachers encouraging him to go to college.

The Dean who patiently taught his brother how to drive when Sam was 13, so on the off chance that the two older Winchesters ever became incapacitated during a hunt, Sammy could drive them to the hospital. A lesson even John admitted was necessary after a few hunts went bad.

The Dean who stood bloody and torn from what ever they had been hunting who always looked over his shoulder to make sure his little brother was okay.

The Dean who sat on the bed stunned as Sam angrily stuffed what few belonging he had into his duffel bag as Sam and John argued about Sammy going to Stanford.

The Dean who stood on the side of the road as Sam got onto the bus and watched as Sam drove away. The look on his brother's face as Sam glanced out the window now haunted him. Dean never waved, never said goodbye, he just watched the bus pass with his hands shoved deep in his pockets and then turned and walked away with his head down.

"Jess that was the last time I ever saw him, that day I left for Stanford. I never had a chance to explain that I didn't want to leave him, I just wanted to have a chance to go to school and have a normal life. I remember I used to imagine him joining me here in California and us having a place together. Dean getting a normal job, maybe going to school too. I thought if he gave up hunting I could keep him safe here, you know, like he used to do for me when I was growing up. He was always protecting me from what ever and now I'll never have the chance to thank him for that. What ever our life was like, he always made sure I got to do things even if he couldn't. Some where in our twisted childhood, Dean gave up on himself, gave up on his dreams, and made sure I got mine. Why would he do something like that Jessica?" Sam rambled on.

"Because he loved you baby." There it was, the answer so simple.

"Yeah I guess he did." Sam acknowledged smiling as he thought about how much Dean would have hated this "chick flick" moment. He sat quiet for a moment as he thought about his brother. Looking over at the night stand he saw the piece of paper the Doctor gave him with the number of the woman in Lawrence who apparently had know his brother and father. The number for the person who might know the real story behind his brother's death.

"Jessica, Dr. Katchen gave me a number for this woman who used to know my father. She lives in Lawrence Kansas, I guess near where we used to live when I was a baby. He talked to her and she told him that's where they buried Dean, right next to my mother. Dr Katchen thinks I need to go there to have some sort of closure. I'm not sure, but I think he's right. Dads in no shape to tell me what really happened and I have to know. If she can tell me anything…" he said fingering the paper in his hand.

"I know you do, honey. I think you need to go too," She was willing to agree to whatever was going to help Sam get through this. "but call her first. You may not need to go all the way to Kansas to get your answers."

"Yes I do Jess. I've got to go see Dean, it's the least I can do. I've got to at least say goodbye in person, you understand don't you?"

"Honey you know I'll support what ever you need to do. Call this woman and go visit your brother. Are you gonna fly or are you gonna rent a car?" Jessica quickly assured him

"I'm gonna call the airlines and see if I can re-route my way back home. Maybe rent a car when I get to Kansas City and drive the rest of the way. It's gonna cost us more money, I'm sorry hon." Sammy apologized knowing this new trip was gonna cost them even more money.

"Sammy don't worry about that, I told you we'll be alright. There's money left on the credit card, you can charge it." Jess reassured him.

"Thanks Jessica. Sorry I woke you up. Give the baby a kiss for me." Sam sighed as he felt a weight lift from his shoulder.

"Will do sweetie. Give me a call when you get to Kansas alright?" Jessica asked before she hung up.

"Love ya" Sam said as he hung up

"Love ya too." She said as she hung up as well.

Sam sat on the bed for a few minutes longer. The prospect of finding out what really happened was starting to terrify him. What if his father was right…..what if John did kill Dean? Sam had to know. He sat against the head board, dialed the number and waited for her to answer.

Tbc.


	5. Chapter 5

Authors note: I know it's been awhile since I updated this story, I'm sorry. It's such a sad story I depressed even myself and had to set it aside for a while. Based on the last chapters response, I guess quite a few of you got too depressed to keep reading as well. I hate to say it but it's not going to be a happy story anytime soon. For those of you still hanging in there, here's a box of Kleenex and a big Thank You.

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Chapter 5: Back to Lawrence.

The phone rang a few times when it was picked up by a strangely familiar voice.

"Missouri Mosley may I help you?" the voice asked. Sam held the phone up to his ear but for some reason stayed silent as his mind raced to remember where he recognized the voice in his distant memory.

"Hello?" the voice asked again in a slightly more agitated manner. Sam's heart was beating a mile a minute. He was about to hang up when she started talking again.

"Sam Winchester if you don't start talking, I'm gonna hang up right now." she said thoroughly agitated now.

"How did you know my name?" he asked stammering, his heart skipping a beat.

"I've been expecting your call since the other day child. Dr. Katchen called me as well and told me to expect to hear from you." Missouri answered her voice now softening. Sam let out a loud sigh of relief.

"Oh, you scared me. I thought maybe you were psychic or something." He said smiling to himself not knowing that she really was.

"I am child." She answered then quickly added "Now don't go hanging up on me child. You need answers. Your daddy was a good friend of mine but I'm sure you don't remember me. He used to bring you and your brother around when you were just little boys."

The mention of his brother just made Sam sad again. Then suddenly he had a memory of sitting on a porch stoop, he and Dean covered in a cherry and grape popsicle mess, begging their father for just one more. It was a happy memory, one of only a few Sam had as a child that didn't involve hunting.

'_Why am I suddenly remembering eating popsicles with Dean?'_ He thought to himself sadly, feeling a twinge of pain in his chest.

"Because you miss your brother Sam." Missouri answered his question, picking up on his thoughts.

"Oh my god, I thought you were just joking about being a psychic." He said realizing what she had just done.

"I wasn't and I am. You father and I go way back to when your momma died. It's because I am a psychic that we met. Your father needed answers and I was able to help him." she explained further.

"You know about my mother?" Sam asked. Right then Sam knew he could trust her. That was not the sort of information his father would have told to just anyone. If his father trusted her all those years ago then he knew he could trust her now.

"You were just a baby the night your father showed up at my doorstep. Dean, he was just a little bundle of energy, into all my stuff but the minute I came anywhere near you he jumped in right between us. I'll never forget the look on his face, such determination. Such the little protector. He never let you out of his sight the whole time and every other time you came for a visit. I don't think he ever really trusted me back then." She continued as she reminisced with a smile on her face. Yes, she remembered Dean being a force to be reckoned with even back then.

"My brother is dead, you know." Sam said his voice barely a whisper. As he spoke his one wish was that what he said was a lie, a huge horrible mistake. His heart broke further when he heard her confirmation of his worst fear.

"I know child." She spoke and then listened as Sam began to softly cry on the other end of the phone. Her own heart began to break at the sound of his anguish. She let him have a moment to compose himself, before speaking again.

"Sammy you need to come home, you need to come home immediately. The answers to all your questions are here." She said gently. Sam didn't answer but he did nod to himself. That was all the answer Missouri needed.

"I've already called the airline and found out that you can reroute your return flight through Kansas City, and it comes in at 12:15 this afternoon. When you get there, there will be a rental car waiting for you at the Alamo counter in your name. Don't worry about paying; it's already taken care of. Call me when you get in and I will give you directions the rest of the way to my house." She spoke not giving him a chance to change his mind.

"Miss Mosley, I don't know, I can't let you pay…" he started to say. One part of him was grateful for her generosity but the other part of him was embarrassed that someone else had to help him out again.

"Don't be an idiot Sam Winchester. This is a family matter, and trust me I _am_ a member of your family whether you remember me or not. Besides if you're still adamant about paying me back we can make arrangements when you get here. Also if you insist on calling me Miss Mosley I'm gonna reach through this phone and throttle you." She said with gentle teasing. Sam immediately relaxed.

"Yes ma'am." he said falling back on his upbringing. Missouri sighed to herself.

'_Damn child, stubborn just like his father and his brother.' _

"Now call me as soon as you land child, I'll be waiting to hear from you." She spoke getting ready to hang up.

"Thank you, you don't know what this means to me." Sam stammered before hanging up himself.

'_Yes I do.' _Missouri thought to herself when she knew he had hung up.

Sam's flight was delayed about 45 minutes so when he got to the rental counter he was already frazzled. Combined with the trepidation about meeting the woman who could answer that one final terrible question, he almost forgot to call Missouri when he landed. After a quick phone call, she gave him the final directions and he got into the rental car and headed to Lawrence. He was okay until he saw the sign welcoming him to Lawrence Kansas, then he suddenly had to pull over. His heart racing a mile a minute he thought he was going to pass out.

'_Damn it Sammy you didn't come all this way just to chicken out.'_ He cursed himself. Steadying himself he got back on the road and soon pulled up in front of Missouri's home. For a moment he almost didn't stop, fear over wehlming him again. Finally he parked the car and just sat there looking at the house. Stilling his shaking body, he got out of the car, grabbed his suit case, and headed up the sidewalk. As he approached the front door it flew open and Missouri stood in her doorway with a big smile on her face.

"Sam Winchester, it's about time." She called out as he came up her steps. Sammy looked at her face but still couldn't quite place the piercing eyes that stared back at him.

"Hi, you must be Missouri." he gasped as she pulled him into a big hug.

'_Don't worry child it will come back to you in time.'_ She thought to herself as soon as she saw his expression. Letting go she stepped aside and beckoned Sam into her home.

"Yes I am, child now come on inside, you must be exhausted. I have your room already all set up for you upstairs. If you follow me, I'll let you take drop your stuff up there." She felt the waves of emotions rolling off of him as he stepped through her doorway. Taking a quick look around, he followed her to the bedroom at the top of the stairs.

"It's only a double bed. I didn't figure you to be so tall." She said looking up at him as he put down his things. "Seems like only yesterday, you and you brother used to sleep in that bed."

Sam turned and gave her a surprised look and then looked around the room again. Somehow it was vaguely familiar to him but he just couldn't place it yet.

"When you boys were little, your Dad would leave you with me some times. One time, when he was just starting out, I was adamant that he didn't take you boys with him on a particularlydangerous hunt. It was one of the few times he and I ever disagreed about something. Damn stubborn man thinking he could drag 2 little babies while he chased after a shapeshifter." She shook her head at the memory.

"I wish I remembered you. I'm sorry but I don't." He looked over at her with sad eyes. Clearly someone who spent that much time looking after him should have been remembered.

"Honey you were three years old the last time I saw you. I doubt most children would remember someone they last saw 20 yrs ago." She said as she place her hand on his arm, reassuring him. "If it makes you feel any better, your brother didn't remember me either when he came here, oh my god, almost 4 yrs ago."

"Dean was here, why did Dean come here?" Sam asked surprised that his brother had come back to Lawrence.

"There was a problem in your old house. The one you were all living in when your mother died. Dean had had a dream about it. He knew something terrible was about to happen there. He showed up on my door step looking for answers just like you." She sat down on the edge of the bed and Sam sat down next to her as she spoke.

"What do you mean he had a dream?" Sam asked confused. Dean had never been the one to have bad dreams or nightmares. Those had always bothered Sam when he was growing up. Dean had always been the one who stayed up with Sam and helped him get back to sleep afterwards. Memories of Dean rubbing Sam's shoulders and back, or rocking him when he was really little came back to Sam as he sat there.

"It was more like a vision than a dream. Your old housebecome a magnet for the supernatural including a really nasty poltergeist. If Dean hadn't showed up when he did, I doubt that woman and her two children wouldbe alive today." Missouri explained watching Sam's expression. Sam looked amazed as he listened to the story about his brother saving someone else's life. To Sam, Dean had always been a hero. It was nice to hear that some else thought so too.

"He was able to save them eh? That sounds just like Dean." he looked over at Missouri sitting next to him.

"There was another spirit in the house as well. This one saved your brother when the poltergeist attacked him." Missouri spoke carefully. She knew Sam didn't have a clear memory of his mother and she wasn't sure how he would react to her ghost saving his brothers life.

"Another spirit, but this one _wasn't_ evil?" he asked nervously. Clearly his brother had made it out alive, but the thought that Dean had been up against a poltergeist as well as some unknown ghost alone scared him.

"No child she wasn't evil. It was your mother's spirit." She felt Sam's body go rigid at the news.

"Mom? She was still in the house? Is she still there, is there a way I can talk to her?" he asked excited at the prospect of speaking to his mother.

"No Sam I'm sorry. She destroyed herself against the poltergeist saving your brother." She felt Sam's hope fall away as she spoke and he sagged down on the bed once again. Missouri reached over and laid her hand over his hand to comfort him.

"I wish for the world that you could talk to your mother honey, truly I do. Even Dean barely had a chance to see her, it was all over with so quickly, butI promise you your mother is at peace now."

Sam nodded and sat silent for a moment.

"Is it true that Dean is buried next to my mother?" he asked suddenly changing the subject.

"There is a marker with your brother's name on it next to your mothers, yes." Missouri spoke slowly not wanting to give away too much information just yet. "Your father did what he had to do with his body but it does not rest in that grave." Startled, Sammy turned at looked at her with anguished eyes.

"What do you mean his body is not in that grave? Where the hell did Dad bury him?" Missouri stood up and didn't answer him.

"Missouri, what the hell happened to my brother?" Sam jumped up and grabbed her arm. Missouri stopped but couldn't face him.

"Your father told you what happened to him." she said as she looked away.

"My father only told me that _he_ killed him. How the hell is that possible Missouri? How the hell did my father kill my brother? Please you have to tell me." Sam stood up in front of her, and wouldn't let her look away. "He was lying right? There's no way my father killed Dean, I bet my life on it."

Sam was begging. He needed the truth. He needed to know what really happened to his brother. Missouri's silence was deafening. He stepped back and started to shake.

"No Missouri, nooooo. Dad, oh god…….Dean……." he fell on the floor and started to sob.

Missouri sat back down on the bed over him and began to stroke his hair. His body shook as he wrapped his arms around his legs and cried. She waited until he began to calm down and then began to tell him the truth.

Tbc

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Authors note: Once again thanks for hanging in there. It's not my intent to torture you all by dragging this story out. Hopefully I will have it wrapped up in the next chapter or two. Leaves cookies and milk for the reviewers.


	6. Chapter 6

Authors note: This chapter gave me no end of trouble. I had to remember that according to _my_ story Sam hasn't been present for anything that happened during the first season and so doesn't know about the things he was around for on the show. Also I was getting more and more depressed as I typed and wasn't sure I would be able to finish it. Honestly I've got to finish this story up soon because I can't afford the therapy sessions anymore. Anyhow you might want to make sure you have a tissue or two before you start. Thanks for reading.

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Chapter 6 Missouri tells Sam the truth.

"Your father called me, just after it happened. He and Dean were on the trail of the demon that killed your mother." She started softly but was interrupted by Sam almost right away.

"Demon? It was a demon that killed my mother?" Sam asked frightened and yet strangely relieved that he knew, finally, what had killed his mother. "That's what Dad and Dean were after?"

Missouri hung her head. For so many years Sam had been out of touch with his family and that was his fault as much as John's, Missouri knew. She knew about the phone calls unanswered and the emails unread. She and John had had many a conversation about what Sam was up to while he was at Stanford. John hoped that Missouri could some how tap into his youngest son to make sure he was okay but she would refuse, telling him the same thing. If he wanted to know how Sam was doing he needed to go to Stanford and see for himself. She knew on at least a few occasions John had made the trip to California but stubborn ass that he was never actually spoke to his son just watched from afar.

"Oh honey, so much has happened since you left. Yes your mother was killed by a demon. It took along time for your father to track down what it was that murdered your mother but once he did he began to hunt it. Your father heard about a gun, a Colt that supposedly would kill this demon. He got his hands on the gun but it came at a high price. The demon found out about the gun as well. He commanded one of his younger demons, Meg was her name, to start killing off hunters. Hunters like your father and brother, to force your father to give it the Colt."

"Oh my god." Sam began to think back to all the hunters he had met over the years. The community was small and any loss was a blow to all.

"Pastor Jim Murphy was the first it killed," She looked down at him. "and then it went after Caleb. Neither one of them ever had a chance against her."

"Pastor Jim…..oh god." Sam was stricken, thinking back to all the times when he and Dean were little, being left with Pastor Jim as their father hunted. He was his father's best friend, or at least as close of a friend his father could have living the way he did. Caleb, he knew was a close friend as well. A terrible thought suddenly crept into Sam's head.

"If it went after Dads friends because he had the Colt, did it come after you as well Missouri?" he asked looking up at her.

"No child. You father knew he couldn't take the chance of the demon coming after anymore of his friends. He made a deal with the thing to give up the Colt. Trouble was you father knew it was his only chance to kill the demon. He was told to bring the gun to Meg or the killing would continue. John came up with a plan to give a fake gun to Meg and have Dean take the real gun and go after the demon that killed your mother."

"So Dad took the fake gun and tried to pass it off the real thing?" Sam asked shaking his head.

"Yes child and you can guess how that ended."

"It ended with getting my brother killed by the demon, right?" Sam said feeling himself getting angrier as the story went on. Only his father would do something so foolish and so risky and damn his brother for going along with it.

"Sam, that's not how it happened." She said sensing the different scenarios rolling through his head.

"When Meg discovered your father had the fake gun she captured and tortured him, and then went after Dean. Your brother had to kill her to find out where they were holding your father and was able to rescue him, but it was already too late." Missouri stopped and took a deep breath. She didn't want to continue. She knew what she said next would only bring the young man at her feet terrible, terrible pain. Sam stood up and sat on the bed next to her, his eyes filled with fear. He too took a deep breath.

"Missouri I need to know." he whispered begging her to go on. She looked over and knew she couldn't keep the truth from him any longer.

"You father became possessed by the very demon that killed your mother. It took him over completely and left your father helpless to fight back. It wanted to make your father suffer as well as your brother, for killing Meg. Your father tried to resist, but the demon was too powerful. It attacked Dean and he was mortally wounded before your father was finally able to get control over his own body. While your brother was dying, your father made the decision to end it, once and for all, even if it meant killing himself, he was going to do it and take the demon with him. The demon knew he had lost control over your father and escaped before John could kill himself." Missouri's voice shook with pain.

"Dean begged him not to do it. John had the Colt in his hand. He told me he had it pointed at his head, but he looked down into Dean's eyes and couldn't do it. I know he desperately tried to save your brother but his injuries were far too grave and Dean died cradled in your father's arms." Missouri stopped as tears welled up and spilled down her cheeks. Sam slumped over crying as well.

"Dean…" he said through his tears. They sat there for a few minutes each lost in their own thoughts. Finally Missouri spoke up again after wiping off her face with a Kleenex.

"I had a dreadful feeling that morning. All day long I kept thinking about your father and your brother, but I didn't know why. I hadn't seen either one of them in months. When the phone rang I knew. I could feel your father's emotions so clearly even before I picked up the phone. Sammy, he was inconsolable. He told me he still had the gun in his hand but had promised Dean he wouldn't kill himself. Right then I knew he was still thinking about it. I could feel how desperate he was. I made him remember his promise to Dean. I wouldn't hang up until I knew he had taken every last bullet out of the gun. A few days later he showed up at my door looking like a shadow of the man you and I both knew."

Sammy got up and moved across the room, tears still rolling down his face.

"I didn't want to believe him. When he told me, I thought it was so sort of delusion. When the Doctor told me about Dean's obituary. He said Dean had died in some sort of car accident. Something about the car exploding and he couldn't get out in time." Sammy slumped against the wall, hands shoved in his pockets as he spoke.

"Part of that is true Sam." Missouri said looking over at him. Sam looked back stunned and confused.

"Your father told me he carried Dean out to the car and drove around for awhile. He couldn't bring himself to just leave him alone somewhere but he knew he wouldn't be able to explain the wounds if he took him to the hospital. Sammy, I'm not sure you want to hear the rest."

"Yes I do Missouri, what ever he did. I need to know, please." Sam eyes beg her to finish. With great sadness she continued.

"It was getting late and he'd been driving for hours. He told he had no idea where he was when he finally stopped. You have to understand I didn't know what he was going to do or I would have tried to stop him." she stopped and took a deep breath. "I can't even imagine the frame of mind your father was in to do such a thing to your brother. He told me he made the decision when he saw how beautiful and peaceful it was. He felt Dean deserved some tranquility, finally even if it was in his death. He pulled the car over to the side of the road, moved Dean over to the driver's side, and put the car in neutral. He waited until there weren't any cars driving past, released the brake, and watched the car roll over the embankment."

Sammy slid down the wall and started to sob as he listened to Missouri speak.

'_Nooooo nooooo Deannnnnn.' _He screamed in his head.

"The car burst into flames on impact. Your father hid as a few passing cars stopped to try to assist. He was just another face in the crowd by the time the police got there. John said the drop was so steep, by the time the fire dept arrived, there was no nope of rescue, not even to retrieve his body."

Sam continued to sob leaning against the wall. Missouri sat within her own pain and listened as the young man mourned the loss of his older brother.

"How could he do that? How could he do that to Dean?" Sam looked up at Missouri who could only shake her head. "What kind of father would do that to his son?"

"I can't answer for your father, child. The pain he felt that day destroyed him, I know that for a fact. Even your mother's loss didn't affect him this badly and you know how he was when you were growing up, consumed with vengeance, fixated on finding your mothers killer. This time he had no one to blame but himself. Grief and pain, they overwhelmed him, Sammy. The day your brother died your father stopped living as well." Missouri reached into her pocket and pulled out another Kleenex to wipe away her tears.

"By the time he got here he was barely functional. I had to force him to eat and sleep. He sat alone in the dark for hours. When he did sleep, he had horrible nightmares about the demon and what he had done to Dean. He became obsessed with washing his hands, and no soap could get them clean enough. He told me it was because he kept seeing Dean's blood all over them. I tried to help him best as I could but he was inconsolable. He was here about 3 weeks before he disappeared without a word."

Sammy looked up at her, his face wet with his tears.

"Where did he go?" Sam asked afraid to hear more bad news about his father.

"I'm not sure Sammy. I would hear things every now and then. Other hunters would have seen him and pass the word back to me knowing I was looking for him. Finally about a year ago he totally dropped off the map. Not a sighting, not a word, nothing. My greatest fear was that he finally succumbed to the inner demon that had been hunting him since the day your brother died. It wasn't until I heard from that Doctor in Pennsylvania that I knew for sure your father was still alive. How he made it there I have no way of knowing. Since you were able to see him and see for yourself what became of him, do you think he is beyond the doctor's help now?" she asked as Sam stood up and moved back over to the bed.

"I barely recognized him Missouri and it wasn't until he said my name that I knew it was him. His voice, after all these years, still had that same power over me it always had. That ability to command and make me feel like I was 5 yrs old again. As we talked I could tell he was struggling with what had happened. He would start to talk and then the light would go out of his eyes and he would just retreat back inside himself. It was terrible to watch Missouri. My father was the strongest man I knew, next to my brother, and he was reduced to this … god I don't know what to call him. He just wasn't _Dad_ anymore. I'm at a loss as to know how to help him. The Doctor there seemed very capable but not too optimistic about his recovery. I think he needs to be closer to home. Either here in Laurence or maybe back in California with me and Jessica." Sam spoke as ideas flowed around in his head on how to help his father.

"Sammy your father is going to need a considerable about of care. Are you sure you are ready for that? You have a young family and are just starting out. It might be better to leave him in the hospital for awhile." Missouri spoke knowing Sam had already made up his mind to bring John home to California.

"Dad would never leave me alone in a hospital Missouri. I'm going to call Jessica and see what she says, but it's not Jessica I'm worried about, it's the Doctor. Dad needs to be around family right now and if the Doctor doesn't agree with me then I will just find a doctor that will." Sam spoke more determined than ever to have his family reunited.

Missouri looked at him, saw his determination, and smiled. He may have been absent, but he never truly left his family. She also knew that his inherited Winchester stubbornness was going to win over anyone's disapproval. She reached over and placed her hand over Sam's.

"Sammy, there's one person you have to visit." She said her eyes solemn again. Sam looked at her and realized immediately who she meant.

"Dean…"

"Yes child. While your brother isn't truly buried there, it's still the place to go and remember him and make peace."

"Will you go with me?" he asked as he looked into her brown eyes.

"If you want me to….." She nodded.

"I don't think I can go there alone Missouri……" his voice quivered at the thought of standing in front of his brothers and mothers headstones. His mother's grave, he had only visited a few times in his life, and always with his father or brother. It would be the first time he stood there alone and it made him tremble at the thought. Missouri patted his hand once again feeling his fears radiate off of him.

"I'll be right there with you child."

"Thank you." He whispered as he got up from the bed. He took a deep breath and the two of them headed back down the stairs and were soon on their way. That simple journey became the longest trip of his life.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Authors note: I was determined to end this as quickly as possible after posting the other day so here is the final chapter. I offer thanks to every one who stuck it out throughout the cry fest. Once again I leave boxes of Kleenex around for everyone's use.

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Chapter 7: Saying Goodbye.

Sam turned and stared out the window of Missouri's car as she drove through town towards the cemetery. Pulling up in front of the wrought iron gates, Sam could feel his chest tighten with dread. Missouri put her hand on his in an attempt to calm him down. Continuing past the gates she drove slowly, as Sam felt his pulse beginning to race. Every turn, every headstone, was an instant reminder of what he was about to see. He was looking off in the distance when Missouri put the car in park.

"Sam would you like me to come up to the graves with you or would you like to visit alone?" She asked aware of Sam's trepidation.

"I don't know where they are Missouri." he turned to her suddenly aware he had no idea where his mother and brothers graves were. It had been too many years since the last visit and the trees and bushes had grown considerably since then.

"Look over there Sammy." Missouri pointed to a rise shadowed by a large Maple tree. Sam sighed when he spotted the large marble marker simply carved 'Winchester'. He took another deep breath before he turned back to Missouri.

"I want to go up alone, I think… could you give me a few minutes?" he asked knowing he had to do it.

"Of course child, take as much time as you need." She gave him a sad smile. Sam nodded and slowly got out of the car.

Looking around he could feel how peaceful and serene it was. He wondered if his father picked the spot or his mother's family. He suddenly remembered that last time he had been there. Dean had come with him when they were both still teenagers. He didn't remember where his father was at the time, only that he was off on a hunt and he and Dean were only half a day away when Dean suggested they make the trip. Once there, Dean made sure he had had a few moments alone at his mother's grave. When he got back to the car Dean was quiet and they drove off in silence, never making the trip together again. Sam guessed it was harder on Dean than it was on himself. To Sam, his mother was merely a woman locked in photographs. Stories his brother and father would tell him to fill in the gaps of who she was. It was hard to mourn the loss of someone he never knew but he did mourn the loss of what could have been. The loss of the family he could have had. That pain was real.

So was the pain he was feeling now. He walked slowly up the rise until he stood at the huge marble marker. Looking down he could see two smaller headstones side by side shaded by the maple tree. He stood quietly not knowing what to do or say, his hands in his pockets. His heartbreaking at the sight of his brothers name.

'_Oh Dean.'_ He said to himself as he looked down at his brother's headstone. Two small bouquets of flowers lay on top of both his brother and mothers graves. The flowers looked fresh and Sam wondered if Missouri had placed them there.

"Dean I'm sorry I haven't been here before now." He said softly, eyes misty with unwanted tears. "I didn't know….I just assumed you were off hunting with Dad. No one called me… Guess that is as much my fault as anyone else's. Anyway I'm here now big brother. I guess I really screwed up big time. I should have been there Dean. Maybe I could have stopped Dad from hurting you, I don't know, or should I say the demon from hurting you. Maybe I would have ended up dead too. God why does this have to be so hard."

He looked away as tears filled his eyes and fell down his cheeks. Wiping them away he glanced back at the car and saw Missouri standing outside speaking with a woman and two children. The two women looked up to where he was standing but made no effort to join him. Sam was grateful for the privacy as his tears continued to fall.

"Damn it Dean. What the hell did you get yourself into? All these years, all the hunts we went on. I never thought you'd go before Dad. You know, I just assumed Dad would bite it fighting some son of a bitch ghost or black dog. It's not fair. He dragged us into this mess, why did you have to pay for it?" Sam felt all the years of resentment towards his father resurface again.

"You know where Dad is Dean; he's in a mental institution. Yeah, he finally cracked. Can't say that I'm surprised. People just can't keep on doing what he's been doin all these years without goin a little crazy. Missouri says it started right after you died. Guess if I had known about it then, I might have gone off the deep end as well." He paused and wiped his face again.

"I really miss you dude."

A gentle breeze blew through the trees and Sam could hear birds chirping in the background. The sun was bright but it did nothing to lighten the darkness of his heart. He crouched down and touched both markers lightly, reassured somehow by the letters carved into the stone. His mother and brother were at peace. He didn't know how he knew but he felt it in his heart. He smiled at the thought of them together even if Dean wasn't really buried there. Standing back up he looked around and noticed it was a family plot. In front of his brother and mother sat two more empty graves. While he didn't think he would want to be buried there, he knew his father would want to be. He and Jessica, having their own family now, would probably be buried next to each other when the time came.

He shuddered at the thought of seeing his fathers name on a marker there as well.

"Dean, I'm not losing any more members of my family." He said with conviction. "I'm gonna talk to Dad's doctor and find out how long he has to stay in that hospital. I'm thinking I want to bring him back home to California. Oh god you never knew did you…."

Dean never knew he had gotten married and now was a father himself.

"Dean I got married a few years ago. Her name is Jessica and we have a little boy too. His name is Brendan and he is so like you in so many ways. Always curious, getting into stuff and that temper, oh my god does he have a temper. He's 8 months old and already trying to walk. He's a Winchester through and through, always on the move. He smiles a lot like you, like he's in on some big secret that only he knows about. I wish you could have met him and Jess. I wish they could have met you…You would have made a great uncle, Dean. You would have been a great father too; I know you were to me growing up. It couldn't have been easy for you taking care of your little brat brother all the time. I don't think I realized until I had my own son everything you had to do for me while Dad was away, and now I can never say _thank you _or tell you how much I loved you. "

"_It's ok Sammy…"_ Sam looked up as he heard his brother's voice whispering in the wind. He felt a hand gently squeeze his shoulder and knew his brother forgave him. _"I love you too little brother."_

Hearing voices coming up behind him he wiped his face dry and turned to meet them. The other woman wore a sad smile as she walked towards him, her two children held small bouquets of flowers in their hands.

"Sam this is Jenny and her children Sarry and Ritchie." Missouri said introducing them to Sam.

"We brought some more flowers." Sarry said holding up her bouquet and her brothers to Sam. Sam looked down and gave her a smile.

"Thank you Sarry. I wondered who had left the beautiful flowers, did you?" She smiled back at him and nodded.

"It's the least we could do after all your brother did for us." Jenny added. Sam looked at her confused.

"Sam, Jenny and her children live in your old house. A few years back it was taken over by a really nasty poltergeist. Your brother was able to rescue them, and with the help of your mother's spirit, vanquished it."

"My mother?" he asked turning around to look down at her grave. "How was that possible?"

"Your mother's spirit was still in the house, Sammy. When the poltergeist attacked Dean, she went after it and destroyed it taking her own spirit with it." Missouri explained to a stunned Sam.

If it weren't for your brother and your mother, my children and I would be dead now Sam. I can't tell you how grateful I am. I wish we could have met under different circumstances. I've been wanting to meet you ever since Dean saved us. He spoke so proudly of you." Jenny added as she touched his arm.

"Dean was proud of me?" he asked even more stunned.

"Of course he was child, just as you are proud of him." Missouri interjected knowing how Sam truly felt about his brother. He looked at the two women and quickly turned away as tears welled up in his eyes again. He felt a small tug on his shirt as Sarry held up her arms for a hug. He reached down and picked up the girl up and held her tightly.

"Don't cry Sammy." she said in a small voice trying to comfort him. He quickly wiped his face for the last time and set her back down.

"Thank you Sarry, I really needed that hug." He said giving her a smile.

"Sam I don't know how long you are in town but I wish you would stop by the house for a visit" Jenny offered the invitation not sure how he would react.

"I'd like that Jenny." He replied giving her a reassuring smile. "I need to make plans to get my father back to California so I'm not sure how long I'm gonna be around, but yeah, I'd like to stop by if I get a chance."

"Missouri has my number, give me call if you can come by." She leaned in and gave him a big hug of her own.

"Thanks Jenny." Sam said hugging her back.

"Bye Sammy…" Sarry said waving as they turned to go back down to their car. Sam waved back.

"See ya soon Sarry." He said as he and Missouri both watched them drive off.

Sam turned one final time and touched the carved Winchester name in the family marker. Taking something out of his pocket he crouched down and set it on top of his brother's grave, near the newly placed flowers.

"Driver picks the tunes, shotgun shuts his cakehole." He said smiling as he left behind one of Dean's old cassette tapes of his favorite band. He remembered the day he left for Stanford, snatching it from the car before Dean could catch him. Standing up he took a deep breath and turned back around to Missouri standing behind him.

"Missouri thank you." He said as he walked towards the other woman.

"You're welcome child." She said simply as the two of them headed back down to her car. At peace finally within himself, he went back to her home where he called Jessica and told her he was bringing his father home.

The End

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Authors note: I'm sure you want to find out how it was with John living in California with them but I'm not up to writing more of this story right now. Perhaps someday I will add an epilogue. Thanks again for reading. Leaves more Kleenex next to the review button.


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